Old photo of me practicing full wheel

Over the course of the past year, yoga and I have had some really awesome times. There was the daily practice with carefully chosen intentions back in December; this spring saw the one month yoga vs. Sarah Palin challenge; in April I met up with my favorite Holistic Health Junkie for an amazing 90-minute Anusara sweat session. I made yoga friends, I joined a yoga sutras discussion group here in Seoul, and I finally treated myself to an amazing yoga mat and some new books. [Holy lot of links, Batman!]

So why have I been so reluctant to practice since I got back to Seoul two months ago?

I think there are a few reasons. First is that big steaming pile of depression I was dealing with. Might yoga have helped me through? Maybe, but when you’re in it that deep, sometimes you don’t believe that things like yoga will help. Another part is the pressure I put on myself during the one month challenge. I am so glad I did that–my body and mind thanked me–but it also transformed yoga from a gift into an obligation. And that’s not how I roll.

The last factor is something that I’ve been reluctant to post about, but feel I can do fairly now that I’ve had some considerable distance: the John Friend Anusara Yoga weekend retreat Michael gave me for my birthday was a total bust. I want to preface this by saying that for the weekend of that retreat, I was jetlagged from our trans-Pacific flight and sick as a dog (I got out of bed once in 4 days, and it was to attend that retreat). Because of this, I acknowledge that much of my disappointment in the weekend had more to do with me than with the retreat. That said, something about the experience felt inauthentic to me.

My biggest gripe is that there seemed to be so much emphasis on “the guru.” I’m all for celebrating a pioneer who has inspired thousands–I can only imagine how giggly I would be if I ever met my hero, Kris Carr–but this seemed to be bordering on hero-worship. My other complaint is that John Friend (as I took it) was all about pushing us past our limits. Yes, that can be an incredibly powerful experience, but I think it’s essential to remind those in their practice that modification of a pose does not mean failure, and yoga is not a competition.

Part of my frustration was likely due to the fact that I expected much more theory and discussion, not just a 3-hour masters class. I also disagree with the billing of the weekend as “all-levels”; it was clearly for intermediate to advanced students. While I would typically consider myself “intermediate”, given my physical state and unfamiliarity with Anusara Yoga, I was really a beginner for this workshop. Because of that, the weekend really didn’t feel like it was, well, mine. So, after I came home for lunch on the first day and literally crawled into Michael’s lap, crying that I was a failure, I decided not to go back.

Unfortunately, all of this left a pretty bad taste in my mouth for one of the most important things in my life: my yoga practice.

But here’s the good news: the joy of yoga has returned! After two months of neglecting my practice and letting myself sort through my feelings about the subject, I finally feel ready to recommit. This time, however, I’m going to do it in a way that feels organic and blissful, even if it’s physically and emotionally challenging. The truth is, I want yoga to have a bigger role in my life (something I’ll write more about soon), but if I’ve learned anything this past year, it’s that I can’t force it and I can’t fast-forward. For now, it’s baby steps. Like as soon as I hit publish, I plan to unroll my luscious new mat and have fifteen minutes of Zen quality time before crawling into bed for the night.

Have you ever found yourself feeling disconnected from a practice important to you? How did you reconnect? Do you consider yourself a yogini? Are you curious? What’s your favorite school of practice?